It's fourth quarter and laziness is attacking!! ^_^ Things are starting to happen up out of spring and the dormancy of winter melted with warm rain and flowers very quickly. So sleepy and lazy! AP exams come in a few weeks. I'm sort of excited because they mark the end of a bunch of my blocks... sorta. It seems like my bio teacher is trying to cram stuff into our heads right now because she taught too slowly before. x3 But that's not too good.. so I'm doing an independent notes project to help prepare for the exam! ^_^ I really want to get a 4 or a 5 on it so I can have course credit and move on to second year Biology next year. (Intro Gen. Bio is really popular in my college because everyone has to take a basic science and bio is easier than chem, physics, etc.) So if I can get the credit now, I don't have to rush to get into the class as badly and the class won't be so huge, hopefully..

Even though everything feels a little lazy now, there is much to do. I'm thinking about applying for some scholarships... maybe over the weekend. The money isn't a huge burden for me right now... but college is really expensive, and I want to help take some of the weight off my parents. For a while, they'll be paying for both my school and my brother's college, so that might get troublesome, even if they don't talk about it.. Also, my brother wants to go to graduate school at MIT maybe, or some other engineering school, and while he'd help pay, my parents would have to pitch in for a while. This weekend will be for essay-writing!!! ^_^

Lately, I think my self-esteem has been kind of low.. People telling me my limits in order to elevate themselves just keep pushing. Self worth is an abrasive thing because the more you value yourself, the greater capacity you have to harm others in conserving that value. And if your self worth gets too high... then you'll find yourself crashing down in the end when reality hits, and all you can do is cover as best you can with excuses and surprise and disappointment. Then, you scrabble to retain that worth by asserting yourself as above others, choosing to not humbly accept your place and work to ascend, but choosing to grasp at a place above reality, stepping on everyone else in the process. It's a matter of capacity for cruelty, I think, that determines how close to reality you see yourself.

I wonder if I'm much worse objectively than how I see myself. I'm not even sure how I see myself, right now. It's also hard to find an objective point of view which can penetrate deeper than how you give a first impression. (Actually, it's impossible, hahaha.) Sometimes, I feel I'm really conceited at heart. But sometimes, I think that this thought surfaces something else entirely which I never really looked into before. A lot of the time, when I'm with someone I like, I wonder why they even bother hanging around me because I feel there's no way they'd want to be friends with me unless I had something they wanted. I think that this thought became more evident to me when I started dating my boyfriend. Why does he like me? I'd not ask because whenever a girl asks, "why do you like me?" she's fishing for a compliment 99% of the time. Sometimes I really wonder, though. I liked him for a long time, and now that we're together, I can't even enjoy it and accept it as simply a good thing without wondering, "what does he want from me? Why does he stick around?" Thinking, "This guy can't possibly just like me. There are way too many things I like about him and not nearly enough things I dislike about him for this to be genuine." And then, I can't trust him, which is not good at all. I'm even afraid to say that I have no faith in my own character because I'm thinking that you're thinking that you agree. I don't have a very good personality, I've never been a genuinely "nice" type, you can't say that I'm sweet or good or that I don't make excuses for myself or that I don't get jealous. Nor am I saying this to get insincere rebuttals or to generate pity. There's enough, "oh what ru saying, ur an amaaazing person and i'm sorry that u think otherwise sweetie"'s in the world. I don't even think I'd believe you if you wrote me an uplifting, eight-page lecture with correct grammar. The way to actually liking yourself is by achievement where you tell yourself in the end, "You know, you did a pretty darn good job."

And so we come back to self-worth of others. The more you try to assert yourself as being more than I in some way, the more I will believe you. (Even though I know what you're doing.) And once I express my own utter loathing for myself in every obvious way possible, you'll positively glow beside me, since your achievement obviously forced me to see reality.

Once, I probably assumed that this sort of thing would never get me. The only thing now that I comfort in with you is that I know what you're doing, and while I can't bring myself to feel sorry for you, I can at least see your human nature. I am not confused about what is causing my low self esteem. Perhaps I see the worst in people and assume that they are only their worst. But for right now, I think it might be okay to view you as just an obstacle. I won't try to put you down, ever. But I also will not show you that I hate myself. Even if I do hate myself, I cannot let you see that what you have done worked the way it was supposed to, because then you'll do it again to someone else and everyone will begin to see through you as your confidence grows. You have to stay on this level so that when someone bolder than I reveals your tactic, you won't hate yourself as much. Okay? Okay. Deal.